A Change Will Come…
Updated: Dec 31, 2020
There comes a time in your life where you get sick and tired of being the person you have been and the habits you have had for so long - and you change. Now, I’m no expert, in fact, I’m extremely new to this experience myself. But I know that this is ‘a thing’ because in my (not too many) years of living on this planet I have met an incredible amount of individuals, some very inspiring, that have changed their lives, situations, habits, and environments drastically, for the better. A lot of these people I have met have changed either after a series of unfortunate events, had a life-changing opportunity, have had a previous self-destructive nature, a mental awakening, or have simply grown up. My reasons are all of the above.
Unbeknown to my friends & family and definitely myself, I had some deep-seated, unaddressed issues that were creating some seriously bad habits, mental blockages and could have eventually resulted in me placing myself in situations that could ruin my life or ruin the chance of me ever reaching true happiness.
You see, although I have always been a loving, caring, friendly, genuine free-spirit, (not to blow bubbles up my own bottom, but these are words which loved ones would use to describe me), I have actually never really loved or cared for myself that well and have had quite the self-destructive nature for many years. I’m not saying that I would cut myself, or drink/take drugs every single day, lose jobs, hurt friends & family, or that my life was a mess, as such. I’ve always been quite level headed in everyday life and have lived quite a beautiful, spontaneous, adventurous life. But I’ve been missing something for years….
I never really put 2 and 2 together but signs of my self-destructiveness would be body-shaming myself every time I looked in the mirror, failing to take action when I knew something was bad for me, hiding from my emotions, physical neglect, genuinely believing that I would never be good enough for someone and having pointless one-night-stands… but most of all… when I put toxins into my body I would get obliterated and sometimes put myself in really dangerous situations. I remember it being my aim sometimes to get as “F’d up” as possible, believing I had no limit, and up until around November 2017, I have smoked marijuana pretty much every time I felt slightly down, to numb any feelings that I didn’t want to really face. The plant that seems to make life so much easier, and numb the truth, a truth that I was in denial about for so long. Call it “living in your twenties” or “having fun” all you like… I did for years.
The Wake-Up Call…
I did up until my awful night on 1st January 2017 in Costa Rica – the night that sent me into a downward spiral of depression, confusion and sorrow… the spiral that would eventually turn into an upward spiral of clarity, realization, awareness, and finally – one big, fat, majestic slice of truth… the truth that would change me and my life forever.
It’s unfortunate that it had to be that way, a shame that it had to take something so drastic for me to wake up and realise that deep down there was something wrong with me. It took months of replaying horrific flashbacks in my mind over and over again.
The flashbacks of New Year’s Eve in Costa Rica, the flashbacks of being sexually abused as a child which I blocked out for so many years and kept to myself, the daunting truth that a man I once called my best friend, a man I trusted with my life, helped himself to my body whilst I lay extremely drunkenly unconscious in my bed when I was 21, not even forgetting the time I woke up out of a drunken state in a hotel room to a man I didn’t even know for longer than 5 hours trying to help himself to me – I didn’t even so much as find this man attractive, let alone flirt with him or give him the idea that anything of the sort was going down. I was in a loving relationship with a beautiful man who I was devoted to, yet this still happened.
The pattern occurred to me – alcohol. Three out of the four men wouldn’t have been able to do this to me if I didn’t put myself in that situation and make myself such an easy target for them. I had no control over the situation when I was a kid, I didn’t know what was right or wrong at that time, I didn’t know I could have prevented what was happening. But it still, mentally destroyed me as much, if not more, as the other occasions did. Now, after years, I was finally looking my fears right in the face and taking a deep, hard look at everything as if through a new pair of eyes.
I had so many unanswered questions. Questions that only I could answer… How could I let this happen to me again? Why does this keep happening to me? Am I just a worthless piece of meat? Why am I such a mess? Why do I have to get so wasted? Did I encourage it? Did I ask for it? How did I suddenly become conscious of what was happening? Was I asleep? What is wrong with me? Why didn’t I stop this from happening? Am I going to feel like this forever?
A River of Tears, a Mountain of Sorrow…
My mental and physical state got worse throughout the year. By October I was crying pretty much every single day and I had gotten sick with severe laryngitis and bronchitis, even breathing was difficult. I couldn’t tell anyone. I couldn’t let anyone see that I was weak and that I needed help. Everyone has their own lives and problems and this was something I just had to deal with myself. I stayed silent all of these years thinking it wasn’t an issue. I told myself “I can do this on my own again”. I’m so thankful for my boss, some days I couldn’t pull myself together and hold back the tears – she would allow me some more time.
Some days were better than others and most of the time I could put on a smile, get on with my day and pretend that everything was OK but as soon as I was on my own behind a closed door I would feel nothing but pain, sorrow and still… confusion. The only way I could numb the feeling would be to get high and if I didn’t get high, I would probably cry. I had nightmare after nightmare, so many sleepless nights and I didn’t recognise myself anymore. I hated myself, I hated my body, and I hated my mind.
Enough Was Enough…
I was desperate to try anything other than pharmaceutical drugs. I considered seeing a counsellor even though deep down I knew that if I tried hard enough, stopped drinking, smoking, upped my healthy eating and somehow found a way to – I could possibly heal myself. But I didn’t feel strong enough for that. I remembered a book which my close friend used to talk about. She swore that the book changed her life when she felt like her mental health and life had taken a serious turn for the worst. So I ordered it, although still skeptical that it could even slightly help because the three other self-help books I read didn’t change a thing.
On 1st November, the book arrived. I had waited weeks for it and just a day before it arrived I had gotten to the worst mental state that I’d been in my whole life, I cried for a whole day… how was this even possible? My heart was aching, literally.
The book talks about the Law of Attraction and the power that we have within ourselves to mould our future, our experiences, and our subconscious mind to how we want it. I decided I would really try hard to give it a go, I read the book every single day, and I meditated every single day, sometimes twice a day, I worked out, I ate healthy food. The thought of more negativity in my life was just not an option. There was absolutely no way I could allow more negative experiences happen to me. There was no way I could deny the opportunity to live a happy, fulfilling life. The book reminded me of three things that I repeated to myself every day:
The past is something that no matter what, you cannot change.
Only one person has the power to truly change what is happening in my life – me.
Gratitude can change EVERYTHING.
Gradually, I took control of my life again. How much longer was I going to let myself be a victim? How could I let these experiences rule my life every single day when they weren’t still happening every day? They are in the PAST! Can I prevent these occurrences from happening again? – Yes. Do I want control of my own life? – Yes. Do I want to use all of my energy fighting the old when I could be building the new? - Absolutely not, that would be a waste of time, life and tears.
So I started to manifest and picture myself being happy, I thought of myself smiling and laughing and getting that overwhelming sense of love for life that I used to get. I started to feel happy about waking up, happy about being alive; I started to remember how it felt to be GRATEFUL for life. My perspective on everything started to change. I started to keep a gratitude diary, in which I write down ten things I am grateful for every single day. This could be anything from “I am grateful for the ability to see” to “I am grateful to have such beautiful people in my life” – anything and everything. I started to be grateful for my body and stopped hating it so much and I started to remember the amazing things I have done and experienced with this body.
Slowly but surely, I began to look within and appreciate that as much as I hated myself… I LOVE, I am KIND, I do not think bad thoughts about anyone, I wish the best for people, I attract beautiful people into my life with this mind, I am courageous, I am determined and most of all – I AM STRONG.
The Road to Recovery…
I am still on the road to recovery in regards to facing the deep dark facts about what happened to me. But no longer do I have depression or confusion; no longer is it a huge cloud hanging over me that I have to deal with all at once. It’s a big colourful rock which I can chip away at bit by bit.
I now have the clarity and determination to be the best version of myself I have ever been. I no longer binge drink, I do not smoke to mute my thoughts and feelings, and I do not fill my body with toxins or even bad food. I spend all of my free time working on myself rather than wasting time sitting on social media for hours on end going on pointless dates or watching pointless TV programs. My mind, body, and spirit are becoming one - a beautiful, creative, strong, powerful one at that!
The truth is: it’s OK to not be OK. But what’s not OK, is not changing anything to ensure that whatever is causing you pain or sorrow stops and doesn’t happen again.
If you really, truly care about yourself or if you don’t but you really want to – then take some time for yourself, meditate, breathe, fill your body with goodness, not toxins, dig deep down, and reflect on things that still hurt you. Think about them over and over again and every time you think of them – shrink them. Ask yourself, “What can I do to stop this from hurting me?” if you’re still doing the thing that is hurting you – STOP. If you’re trying to cover up the pain or emotion with material items, drugs, drink, smoking, meaningless sex, pointless dates – STOP.
Get inside your own head and help to heal yourself because YOU are the most important part of your world. Look at the people around you… are they beautiful people? If they are then YOU attracted them into your life because YOU are beautiful. If they are not, then do your best to minimise these people being in your surroundings.
And my biggest piece of advice – SPEAK UP, ASK FOR HELP, ACCEPT THE JOURNEY.