It's not a quarter/mid-life crisis, it's your Saturn Return!
You might feel like it's society which is forcing you to think about growing up, you might also think you are just sick of and bored with your life all of a sudden and need to make changes. I’m here to tell you there’s more to it than you think.
Around 8 months into my 27th year on earth, I started to feel something significant. At the time, I had no idea what was happening to me, I just knew it was happening. I felt different but I couldn’t quite pinpoint why or how. Honestly, sometimes I just thought I was changing due to what happened to me in Costa Rica at the start of that year, but I would often shut those thoughts down and throw them to the back of my head. I tried to carry on as if everything was normal, but it wasn’t. Previous to this feeling, I loved partying, socialising, constantly moving around from place to place and starting new lives. I never wanted to stop doing this and always said: “I never want to stop this life; I will always travel the world and always have the most outrageous fun that I can”. I truly believed this. I had also convinced myself that I was emotionally untouchable because I was mentally strong and that even the most traumatic things that had happened in my life couldn’t affect me due to the wonderful and exciting life in which I lived.
Well, I was wrong. Everything I thought I knew, I didn’t. My whole world came crashing down like a led balloon. In my journal, in the earlier days of this “thing” which was happening to me, I wrote the following:
“Things are changing inside of me; I can feel it so strong but I don’t know why this is happening to me all of a sudden. I don't feel the same. I have this flutter in my chest which sits there consistently, it’s not a nice flutter and sometimes it makes me feel sick. It makes me feel weak and I don’t know how to get rid of it. I think its anxiety”
I went from someone who had never really known what anxiety felt like, to living with it every single day of my life. I started questioning who I was, my life choices, my personal health. I started to loath myself after realising I hadn't actually been a very nice person to myself for some time and felt I had done nothing with my life. I went from being happy and carefree to dull, emotional and depressed. I didn’t know what to do with myself; I knew something needed to happen.
Time to soul search
Fast forward 8 months, I had packed up and left the life I was living (a fun but self-destructive one) and headed to another town in the search of stability, calmness, happiness and mostly, the truth. I isolated myself over most of those months and spent most of that time trying to work out why my whole world had turned upside down. All I knew was that everything I thought I wanted, I now wanted the opposite and all the trauma and pain I thought I had dealt with already, had come to the surface and challenged me.
In February 2018, around 16 months after I started feeling this change, I was about to leave Canada after 2 years of living there and I was absolutely heartbroken about it; I never wanted to leave. But something inside of me told me that I needed to leave in order to find healing and work out what was actually going on. I found a healing arts centre in Hawaii which I wanted to live at: “I'm sorry, we have no room at the moment and probably won't for a few months, contact us then” they said. “I know you are telling me this, but I know for sure that I am supposed to be at your centre,” I said. I wanted to speak to the owner over the phone, so I arranged for this to happen.
It was a phone call which would instantly change my life and my understanding of what was happening to me. Within a few seconds of being on the phone, Barbara, who owns the Dragonfly Ranch, asked my age. “I'm about to turn 29, it will be my birthday a few days after I arrive there” .... “Ohh,” Barbara said, inquisitively. “so, you’re going through your Saturn return,” she said. I had no idea what she was talking about, so I asked if she could explain it to me. She did this through asking me some simple questions: “Has your last year on earth been a struggle all of a sudden, everything you thought you knew about yourself and what you thought you wanted has been challenged and you feel like everything is crashing down around you? “Erm, YES,” I said. “Do you feel like you need to change significantly but don’t quite know how or why?” - another yes from me. “Well, you should look it up. You are going through your Saturn return”.
The effects of Saturn returning happens to all of us, although not everyone feels it happening. It happens to most of us twice in our lives and if you’re lucky to live a longer life than most, you’ll experience this three times. SO, what is Saturn’s return you ask?? The planet Saturn is the ruler of change, the challenger, the teacher. Saturn Return is when Saturn comes back to the same position it was when you were born. It takes around 29.5 years for this to happen, so we feel it at the end of our 20’s and it can be felt into the early ’30s, and again in our late 50’s into our early 60’s. It is a transformational time for us and many people make huge changes in their lives, changing the course of their life and becoming who they truly are meant to be.
If like I did, you refuse to ever grow up, I’m sorry but the planet Saturn has another plan for you. Your wakeup call is happening and there’s nothing you can do about it. Well, you can do lots about it, but not what you previously would have thought you would do about it if that makes sense! It is not a quarter or midlife crisis, it is here to strip you down, challenge you and teach you.
The good news for some of you is that Saturn's return will not always affect your life in the way of chaos or challenges, it can also have the opposite effect on one's life. People often report feeling like their life has finally taken a turn for the better and has finally started to come together. But remember, there’s always time for a second Saturn return. Each and every one of us will have a unique experience, but ultimately, we will all experience the same things: change, transformation, and awareness of time and pressures of it. We all start to shake off bits of our lives which we realise are not serving us.
A word of advice:
Many of us have, or many of you will go through depression at this time. My advice to you: do not clutch onto things which Saturn is trying to break out of your life. Listen to what you are hearing and pay attention to what you are feeling. For me, I stopped giving my time to those who didn’t deserve it, I broke out of friendships which I realised were not serving me and I stopped partaking in things which I now realised were harming me. Do not resist what Saturn is trying to teach you. He wants you to quit that job which makes you miserable, despite how dedicated you are to it, he wants you to walk away from that toxic relationship which you are loyal to but have never had the guts or strength to leave. He wants to know that you have always had the strength and guts to leave but you just couldn’t see it or feel it.
Let it happen
I can assure you, as someone who went through one hell of a Saturn return, it is the best thing that ever happened to me. I will never forget the pain and suffering I went through but I will also never take it for granted or regret having to go through it. Now that I am approaching 32, I am coming out the other end of it a much stronger, happier, healthier and enlightened. I want to spread the word of Saturn’s return to those who don’t know about it as I believe it will help you to understand with and deal with it in a way which will result in growth and happiness. I encourage you to do your homework on it and look further into how it could affect you and your life. Have open conversations with those you love who have passed that age in their life; you will be amazed at how many people don’t realise they went through significant change at that point in their life.